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"Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky, stormy weather". This is a line probably most of us know from an old 1933 song entitled, "Stormy Weather". The song popped into my head several months ago as I was praying. It made me laugh but it was truly no laughing matter.
Before I had my breast biopsy or knew I had breast cancer, I found myself meditating on more than a couple dozen Bible passages as Scripture flooded my mind. Looking back, I know the Lord was preparing me for the storm that was about to come.
Sometimes when difficult times come and we're in a storm all we can see is the rain and the clouds, the doom and the gloom. It seems we've lost our compass and don't know if we'll live to see the day; we're sinking fast, or so we think.But the "Son" is right behind those clouds. He's there, the Lord Jesus Christ, navigating us through those tempestuous waters, speaking peace to the storm and seeing us safely to shore. He invites us to step out of that topsy-turvy boat that can no longer contain or sustain us and meet Him on what seems to be an impossible surface to stand on, let alone walk on.
When the Lord beckoned Peter to step out of the boat, he was doing fine walking on water until he took his eyes off Jesus and stopped to look around at the blowing winds and monstrous waves about to swallow him up. Hey, I give the guy credit though. At least he got out of the boat, but the Lord wanted to bring Him farther to pursue the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. In order for this to happen a change has to take place in us that we may be able to contain the “new wine” that the Lord is desiring to pour into us.
(Phi. 3:12-14, Mat. 9:16-17)
The Lord teaches us obedience and brings us to a place of complete dependence upon Him, maturing and perfecting us even in the difficult places, through the storms of life, to weather them together as we are focused on Him and His truths. I thank Him that as I look to His Word He promises to transform me more into His image and renew my mind. He changes us from glory to glory, giving us understanding of the will of the Lord, enabling us to walk holy and acceptable before God and in our service to Him.
(Heb. 5:8-9, Rom. 12:1-2, 2 Cor. 3:18)
Though at times it may seem that chaos, confusion and trouble abound, our God is a God of peace and comes reassuring us that no weapon formed against us will prosper but is only forged for our profit that we may become partakers of His holiness, yielding the peaceable fruits of His righteousness.
(Isa. 54:16-17, Rom. 5:3-5, Heb. 12:1-11)
There are places where we have been marred, hurt, wounded, or perhaps we have allowed weeds to crop up. But the Lord has named us a new creation and has come to make us whole in Christ Jesus. He is pruning us to form us into new vessels as we hear His call to come and abide and surrender entirely to His lordship. Each of us is being fashioned by God, His workmanship, designed for His specific purpose that the fruit we bear may be abundant.
(Jer. 18:1-6, Jhn. 15:1-2, 2 Cor. 5:17, Eph. 2:10)
The Lord comes filling with joy and equipping with faith, enabling us to stand steadfast and resolute in our commitment and devotion to Him, even if for a time we suffer, rejoicing in the hope of the glory of God made manifest in our mortal bodies by the power of His Holy Spirit. For we have this treasure in earthen vessels and so we die to the things of the flesh; we partake of His sufferings that His Kingdom may come even through His chosen ones to the glory of God.
(Jas. 1:2-4, 1 Pet. 1:6-7, 2 Cor. 4:7-11, Phi. 3:7-11)
We humble and submit ourselves under the mighty hand of God understanding that in all points Jesus was tempted as we, yet remained sinless. We resist every temptation, coming to the everlasting God, full of mercy and grace to help in our time of need, who has made a way of escape through the blood covenant of the Lord Jesus Christ. He’s been where we are and fully knows our hearts. (1 Pet. 5:6-11, 1 Cor. 10:13, Heb. 4:14-16)
And so, we remain alert and watchful, not as those who sleep, that we may be wise as serpents and gentle as doves, resisting, renouncing and casting down every enemy of our souls, walking in the Spirit, assured of God's promises, made firm, stable and unmovable in Him no matter the gale force winds, for we are settled in Christ.
(2 Cor. 10:3-6, Gal. 5:16-18)
Oh, but you say, "I'm in the pit", but God sees and delivers you and would use you to save many people alive. Trust in the sovereign plans and purposes of God. Oh, but you say, "I'm at the brink of disaster, so much has been lost, so much is destroyed." But God would say, "I would increase and multiply for all your loss and restore more than at the first." Oh, but you say, "Daily I die and thirst in a barren land." But God would say, "My grace is sufficient, My strength made perfect in your weakness and I shall provide pools in the desert places, setting you on the road that I have carved out in the wilderness leading to My glory and My kingdom established in you."
(2 Cor. 12:7-10, Isa. 43:18-19)
I'm reminded of Paul who went through so many hardships. He did not turn aside from his faithful devotion to the Lord though he was warned of the perils that awaited him. Even when he was unjustly accused, beaten and thrown into prison, he found occasion to sing praise to God. He looked for and found opportunity after opportunity to continue in the ministry God had given him to proclaim His truth. None of his circumstances deterred or caused him to lose his focus. He was content in plenty or in want, affliction or health, hungry or full; he was satisfied in the Lord.
(Acts 16:22-34, 2 Cor. 11:22-28, Phi. 4:11-13,
Acts 21:10-13)
Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers and later unjustly accused and sent to prison as well, but even there God prospered Him. Throughout it all God continued to develop his character, delivered him from chains and raised him up at just the precise time in history to be over all of Egypt, second only to Pharaoh, that many would be saved from what would have otherwise been sure destruction.
(Gen., chapters, 37, 39-50)
I think of Job and his devastating losses. He lost all his livestock and all ten of his children in one day; he lost his health. Scripture tells us how Job responded - 'Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped.' And he said: “ Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.
(Job, chapters, 1, 2 & 42)
Do you ever feel like enemies are all around you and everything is coming at you at once? Well, I know I have! There have been times when I've been overwhelmed by the vast enemy army surrounding me. Then, even as the eyes of Elisha’s servant were opened, the Lord allows me to see His heavenly angels who far outnumber my foes, protecting and fighting on my behalf.
(2 Kgs. 6:8-18)
Today, months after I first began this study, I'm still meditating on these Scriptures, trusting the Lord to faithfully guide me through one of the most challenging times of my life. He continues to speak to my innermost being through His Word that brings healing and makes me whole - mind, body, soul and spirit.
So I'll let the songs arise, knowing my victory is assured, continuing to ask for eyes to see, grateful to my Lord and King for the opportunities He arranges for the glory of the Lord to be released in power, in what we may consider to be some of the most unlikeliest of places and circumstances. May we be formed His vessels of honor.
Matthew 14:28-31 - And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!” And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
Matthew 8:23-26 - Now when He got into a boat, His disciples followed Him. And suddenly a great tempest arose on the sea, so that the boat was covered with the waves. But He was asleep. Then His disciples came to Him and awoke Him, saying, “Lord, save us! We are perishing!” But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.
(Though there are numerous other Scriptures throughout this devotional, I encourage you to open up to each one and let this become an in-depth study, allowing the Holy Spirit to unfold the mysteries of God more fully to you, that you may “walk on the water” with Him, victoriously coming through every test and trial and storm.)
“Momenti de Felicità”, translated, "Moments of Happiness".
I posted this picture that hangs in my house on my Facebook page the other day. I felt like I needed to stop for a, "moment of happiness".
Sometimes the things of life can just bog you down and you need to shift gears. I'm tired of thinking and talking about having had breast cancer, weekly expansion, ongoing appointments and treatment with possible side effects, reconstruction, blah, blah, blah.
I love bright and cheery colors and whimsical things that make me smile. I enjoy being surrounded by them. Lately, this part of my personality has been hiding a bit but she needs to emerge.
There emanates a joy and childlikeness from this painting that makes me feel free, light and safe, and warm under the rays of the sun. There's nothing complex here, only pure contentment and simplicity in this seemingly perfect feline world.
Unfortunately, we live in anything but a perfect world and so regularly I need to redirect my focus to see beyond the things that can bring me down. So, I hold on to my faith through the Lord Jesus Christ and ask to truly see from His perspective through the Son who brings me light each day and gives me His joy as I look to Him.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - Be happy in your faith and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually; be unceasing in prayer; thank God in everything no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks, for this is the will of God for you who are in Christ Jesus.
Colossians 3:1 - If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.
Psalm 118:24 - This is the day the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.
Wow, what a day I had on Tuesday! It went from about 11:30 a.m. until 7:00 p.m. with doctors, with a little break time in between. I started out at the cosmetic surgeon's office for my continuing weekly expansion. I was so proud of myself last week being able to allow a fill of 100 cc's and figured, of course, this is what we'd do this week. Even though this is no fun, every time I have an expansion I know I'm that much closer to finishing this unpleasant process and I try to bear up under the pain.
However, this time the pain was getting bad at 60 cc's and unbelievable by the time we reached 85 cc's. I had to ask the doctor to stop when I thought my chest would explode and tears started coming to my eyes. The pain was so intense that each breath hurt and it was difficult to talk, as I seemed to get jabbed again and again. Muscles were spasming and nerves were being set off, shooting pain across my chest, through to my back and half way down my arm like I never felt before. I was back on pain medication that night just to try to get comfortable and to be able to sleep. Thankfully, the medicine helped for a while.
Strangely, the next day I actually felt pretty good, that is, until evening hit and more pain kicked in again. The week so far has left me quite uncomfortable and I can't seem to find relief. I took pain medication for two nights but it didn't help the second night and then I only felt more wiped out from drugs. So for now I'm continuing to shift this way and that in an attempt to try and find a bearable position but to no avail. Boy, I hope next week is a better week! It starts to really wear you out but I know this won't last forever and I'm still better than I was a few weeks ago. (Keep reminding yourself, Terry.)
Nobody tells you what expansion is really like before you start but I suppose no one could actually explain what you might go through. From what I understand there are those who have it worse than I do though and others that have very little problem at all. I hope I'll be able to have my expansion next week but I may need to take a break. I'm afraid to have it done now. I'll just have to see how I feel then. Lord, have mercy and HELP!!!
A couple hours later Jeff and I were off to my first visit with the oncologist to go over all my tests results in detail and to help us choose the best course regarding my ongoing treatment. After about and hour and forty minutes my head was spinning with an overload of information.
Though chemotherapy is an option, in my situation it still stands to give me only perhaps a 2% decrease of cancer recurrence. Going on hormone therapy with Tamoxifen is a given and on that alone, places me at an 11% risk of recurrence. It was also suggested because the cancer I had was a hormone receptor positive cancer, I would also be well advised to receive ovarian suppressing injections over the next five years along with the Tamoxifen. This will shut down my ovaries and the production of hormones and immediately throw me into menopause...YIKES! Obviously I'm praying the Lord would spare me the possible ill effects that can accompany menopause.
No definite decision was made Tuesday, though I felt myself leaning toward Tamoxifen plus ovarian suppression. Given all the data, chemotherapy appears to be an unnecessary evil with all of its possible and probable short and long term side effects, again offering perhaps only a 2% advantage when Tamoxifen, coupled with injections may help me achieve a risk rate a few points under 11%.
From there we went upstairs to see my breast surgeon, Dr. Schultz, to discuss what we went over with the oncologist. When I shared which treatment option I was most inclined to choose, he agreed that this was the very best course of action for all the same reasons that I had concluded given my type of cancer and the "low risk" range in which I fall and the one that he would recommend. I have the utmost confidence in Dr. Schultz and so this was very reassuring. I'll go six months until I have another visit with Dr. Schultz. I'll actually miss seeing him. He's such a superb doctor and just a wonderful man!
So, I believe after talking at tremendous length with my doctors, the place I have peace is the direction I will go although I'm sitting on it and continuing to pray for a few days. I'll make a follow-up appointment to see my oncologist in 2-3 weeks to let her know the direction we've chosen and then set up a schedule to begin this next process.
Even after all my bellyaching I know I'm coming along and making progress one step at a time and have to be patient. I have so much to be grateful for and I'm ecstatic it doesn't look like I'll need to go the chemotherapy route. What a blessing! And I get to keep my hair! Now, if I could only find someone to fix it for me every day so I wouldn't have to! Honestly though, I couldn't be happier that I have my own hair to take care of and the ability to do it, not to mention I won't have to puke and go through all the other fun stuff that can go along with chemo. Thank You, Lord.
Have a very safe and Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone!
I experienced a particularly difficult day this week. At Dr. Lickstein's office I found myself teary-eyed and overwhelmed at this whole process both emotionally and physically. Reconstruction has been a very uncomfortable ordeal for me and expansion adds to my discomfort each week. I just start to feel a little bit better for a day or two and then it's time to do it again.
This past weekend, out of the blue came hot, searing, shooting pains across my chest and a good, solid night's sleep still eludes me. I toss and turn attempting to find a comfortable position free from pain and it's just not happening right now and I'm tired. Hey, but at least for the past ten days or so I've been able to get into bed and lay down rather than sleeping in my recliner. This is good!
I guess there are days like this when you've had cancer and go through all that you do. I know the whole "chemo" thing has been weighing heavily on my mind too as I have been awaiting the results. Traveling this journey is not always an easy one and on this day everything looked dark and I was weary. The pouring down rain and winds blowing outside didn't help either and I just wanted to stay in bed.
But Dr. Lickstein and one of his precious nurses, Jessica, were there with a listening ear and reassuring that it's okay to cry and normal but that all is going well, I'm making progress and that it will get better. I have such phenomenal doctors and caregivers!
I have to remind myself, albeit perhaps not at my pace, I am improving each week and try to remain upbeat, positive and grateful for all the blessings throughout it all. And there most definitely have been many blessings!
So, I'm continuing my weekly chest expansion and this week bravely agreed to increase the saline amount from 75 to 100 cc's to speed up this process a bit and just get through it. I still probably have several more saline injections to go so I'm trying to keep focused on the end result and to keep on moving forward. And, the sun did come out the next day and God is still on the throne and His grace sufficient. Thank You, Lord, for seeing me through the difficult days and the good!
Regarding the Oncotype DX test, Dr. Schultz called me last night to let me know that the tumor results were finally in.
I am in the “low risk” category for breast cancer recurrence with my score measured at 17. I am at the high end of low, with the low risk category ranging between 0-18. Oncotype DX testing overall ranges are from 0-100. So, at this point I have an 83% chance of cancer not recurring but there are certainly no guarantees made.
He said that the decision to have chemotherapy or not is more of a philosophical decision rather than a medical one and one which I would need to grapple with on my own to come to a decision since it would only slightly benefit me, if at all when combined with hormone therapy with Tamoxifen.
Dr. Schultz said there are those who want to have chemotherapy if they think it may decrease the likelihood of recurrence at all and who might beat themselves up later if they didn’t do it and wonder if their decision is the reason cancer returned. But there is only a possibility of a 1-2% advantage to having chemotherapy in my situation. So, rather than a 17% chance of recurrence, my recurrence rate may drop to between 15-16%...not significant and at least in my mind and Jeff's, not a valid reason to undergo something as radical as chemotherapy.
With a strong possibility of not having to undergo chemotherapy, this morning I literally felt like I could take a breath for the first time since diagnosis and then I broke down and cried in gratitude for having been brought through thus far in one piece by the hand of God and through those He has used to help hold me upright. Though I know I'm far from done and the decision is not absolute the findings were definitely pretty good news, thank God! You are the source of my strength!
Jeff and I are meeting with Oncologist, Dr. Rima Couzi on Tuesday, May 25th to go over the findings in more detail and are relying on her expertise and continuing to pray for the Lord's wisdom and guidance to help us make the final decision to have chemo or not. If chemotherapy was chosen I would probably begin within a month. I'll let you all know one way or the other.
I just got back a little while ago from
Dr. Lickstein's office for a 75 cc saline
injection to grow, what we will now call, "my ever-expanding new boob". He said everything looks good and reassured me all is well though I'm still having pain. Thankfully though, I've been off of the narcotics for pain and only on Ibuprofen for the past week...YEAH!!! So far I've had no additional pain since the injection and hopefully that will stick and I'll just keep making progress.
Since I've never been through this before I've really not known exactly what to expect. I suppose I've been overly optimistic and thought I'd be further along. Dr. Lickstein reminded me I'm just two weeks post surgery tomorrow and it takes time to heal after such a major surgery w/tissue expander and all the muscles involved and that each week will bring improvement. Thank you Dr. Lickstein. Patience has never been my strong suit.
He and his staff are really wonderful and give such great care and I feel better already. (And I'm not just saying that because I know you'll read this, Dr. Lickstein. I'm quite sincere and appreciate your compassion and expertise. Hey, by the way, I'm still waiting on a two for one offer...LOL!) I looked up your twin brother, David; you're both so adorable!
So, this was my big outing and adventure of the day (other than a big, iced caramel macchiato on the way home...YUM, I hadn't had one in two weeks and was going through withdrawal!) I'll go back to Dr. Lickstein in a week for another "fill-up" and continue the process until the size is right.
Here I am, eleven days post surgery, doing better than a week ago, though still wiped out and dealing with pain, both physical and emotional.
I find myself quite impatient and irritable with this long process already and its restrictions. I'm unable to lay down flat in our bed yet and I'm really tired and uncomfortable trying to sleep in the recliner and looking forward to my comfy bed...I hope, soon!
I'm waiting on the tumor results as to what type of cancer I had, rate of recurrence, when I'll begin hormone therapy and if I'll need to undergo chemotherapy. Hopefully I'll have those answers in a couple of weeks and will hear good news.
We're so grateful that my lymph nodes turned out to be clear and that I was spared the ordeal of having a bunch of them removed along with the associated pain and after effects.
I had my drain removed only one week after surgery, which is pretty quick and I'm so happy that's out! I'll see Dr. Lickstein, the plastic surgeon, on Tuesday for my second saline fill since surgery day to continue expansion for final breast reconstruction when we're ready to insert the permanent implant down the road. I'm a little apprehensive about my visit considering the amount of swelling and pain I still have and I'm not looking forward to adding to my discomfort with more expansion and it's effects. I'll have to talk to the doctor about all this.
Jeff's back to work tomorrow and I think he's ready though I'm not sure I am. I'm so glad he was able to be with me up until now. He's been a great help and has given me good care as well as taking care of household chores and tending to our "zoo".
Thanks for all the cards, flowers, calls, and most of all, prayers. Please keep them going up.
That's all for now, folks. Got to keep it relatively short. I can't sit here too long.
Psalm 27:13-14 - I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD! (My hope and help are in You, Lord.)
Late this morning I talked to my surgeon's office and got the last minute news that times were changing for tomorrow. Gee, what a surprise! I don't think I had a nice tone to my voice when they told me and I had to apologize for my shortness. Unfortunately, there have been times since my diagnosis I've just been stressed and irritable. Oh, Lord, forgive me and help!
So anyway, Now they're telling me to be at the hospital 8:30ish. The sentinel node injection is around 9:30 and surgery is "supposed" to be between 11:00-11:30. Surgery will take about three hours as long as there's no lymph node involvement.
Okay, regroup, refocus, deep breath, everything's going to be alright, turn on the worship music - quiet, soft and sweet...aah.
(By the way, everything I needed to do got done...yeah!!!)
